I'm gay he's straight

And that been the case for last 5 years. In these years, I have dated many men... ranging from short selfish sex dates to those who became friends for life...but I always went back to this particular guy. His name is Kush. He is of my age. A neighbor. We met one summer and the first time he slept with me,  was an accident. But why did we keep on repeating that we could never understand.
Kush isn't a very novel guy. He's not romantic but very brute. He is a college dropout (and I'm a college topper) and crafty and wee bit religious (I'm an atheist). Many have warned me to break off ASAP. But it simply wasn't possible. I'm highly comfy with him in the bed. His devil-may-care character attracts me. But at the same time I know that our relationship has no future as such. He never says he loves me (only when he's drunk) and he doesn't care for me. If I need anything I have to (almost) demand it from him. I pay for our parties (this I don't mind much) and I quarrel a lot with him. In the last 5 years we broke up many times, each heading opposites...but we somehow get back (I must confess my friends are tired of my eternal fluxes in relationship with him)
He has grown to be a weakness. But he is also my hope. Sometimes I think it was only the physical aspect between us that sticks together but at times there is more.
In India, you cannot be bold so you have love and die in dark ditches unknown to world. In such a place, where love even in heterosexual context is a taboo...I hope against all hope that mine will be fruitful one.

Them friends

I read and read and read. But not everything. I think I have grown more choosy over what I read in the last couple of years.
But my choices have become more arbitrary and wide. So, my favorite books are hard to pinpoint and I cannot settle for one book a time... until that book really can make do so. Recently I have been reading Patrick White's works. I like his perception but his narration always twists my sanity. But I love him,.not because he's a homosexual but I like his vast knowledge over many myths and religions and his ability to fuse various philosophies as if it was only natural to thing do so. Yet, I haven't touched any of his works which dealt homosexuality explicitly.
Another gay writer that I adore is E. M. Forster. His is so much more feminine. In fact, sometimes he reminds of Maugham.
As with many gay readers, I presume, I like to trace out dormant or latent homosexuality in the novels. One such writer that I think pink is Chinua Achebe. His Things Fall Apart was so full of suggestion that I could not wonder. Another one in whose works I felt such repressed motive was R. K.Narayan. Though it is tough to determine if it was indeed a sexual tension or an older form of bromance, there sure did exist some tension between Vasu and Natraj of Narayan's Maneater of Malgudi.
I'm a student of literature, therefore I am forced to read many readers I don't wish to read. Rudyard Kipling is one such reader. I simply cannot stand his views on Imperialism. But... his Kim is one such novel that left me wondering though I confess I never finished it, it sure did send my gaydar beeping once or twice. On the other hand, Conrad's Heard of Darkness was a beautiful one that explored Marlowe's attraction to Kurtz.
Of recently, my reading habits took a weird turn, I somehow am drawn to Nietzsche and Camus. The last time I brushed with Existentialism was with Beckett's Waiting for Godot (was it a gay work? I may never know )
and with Camus's Happy Death.
But this year-end, I decided to finish certain books, books I have been hoarding all the year.. but it seems fate has decided to go against me. The semesters that were supposed to be over by now are postponed so I'm still stuck with my boring prescribed books. With time running, I think I can complete them by the end of  January.